The other day my husband said something that implied he thought we would be done raising our daughter when she turns 18. I told him that I have relied on my mother for advice more since being 18, than before. The point is that she has experience with everything that I have not yet done. When my daughter was born she gave me encouragement and advice that was better than that of anyone else. Even “experts” who were younger than her did not know as much. My daughter also has told me she will want to rely on me to help her as a parent. That is how it goes. When one faces something new, one wants to hear from people who have experience that one trusts.
A neighbor of mine told me that when her mother was in senior care and her children were still living at home, she felt like she only got a moment of rest when she was sitting in her car at a red light. She was in what is commonly called the “sandwich generation.” When the health of your parents is very robust they can seem invincible. You turn to them to discuss your life’s joys and challenges, and they help you raise your children, giving you advice and taking care of them and slowly you notice your parents having more and more ailments.
This past summer my mother had a stroke. It happened in a series of days where she called me because she had just not felt right and then she fell and could not get up and ended up in the hospital. She had an emergency system which called her neighbor and me although she did not realize that happened. The first time the hospital let her go because they could not find anything wrong, but the third time she fell she could not get up and had to go back to the emergency room. She lost the use of her right side for a day or so. It was a surprise that she had had a stroke.
My mother had prepared for needing long term care, but not really. She did not envision having a stroke. Her mother had lived in her own apartment in Germany until she was 98. Then, when she could not manage anymore with the support she had from my mom’s older sister and a couple of women caretakers who came in the week to help, she had to go into nursing care. My mother was no longer visiting Germany when her older sister moved into an assisted living facility although I did, so she did not see what her sister’s slow loss of independence looked like. I remember conversations that were a cycle of five questions. That was somewhat the same when my husband’s mother was living in assisted living in Germany as well. Since my mother has had her stroke I have learned a lot about how wonderful the people in the hospital and the rehabilitation clinic here can be, and now the people in the senior residence where she lives near my aunt (her younger sister) and me. They are all thoughtful and kind and have had a good sense of humor even when my mother has been angry or upset. It was a big decision of whether my mother should stay in her home or move to a senior residence, but it has turned out to be a good one that she moved.
Her brain has changed. It has a harder time working. Her working memory is not good, so she has a challenge following through on things unless she writes them down. Fortunately she is used to doing this. If she does not, she does not remember. Apparently she keeps a diary on her computer where she writes down everything she does all day long. Every person she talks to, every check she writes, every pill she takes. It works better with appointments than tasks. She did not want any changes to her life. She liked her life just the way it was. She could not grasp that the occupational therapist was saying that her home was unsafe for her to live in as it was. Too many things were falling hazards. Her beautiful oriental rugs, the gradations in her floors, and her bathroom was not safe. He said she would either need nursing care in her home and some remodeling, or she would need to move to assisted living. So, she tried out an apartment in the senior community where she had been in nursing care, and decided that she could live there. We then moved most of the things she wanted initially, and she is now in this same apartment, but with her things, in a senior residence with interesting people. It includes cleaning service and there is a dinning room for meals. Their chef is quite good. So while the apartment has a kitchen she does not generally cook. The residents organize the entertainment and they have town hall meetings to discuss how they want to live. It is quite democratic. They organize a program of events and distribute a calendar that tells what is going on, which means that in the winter she can attend interesting programs without having to brave the cold. She is also by the park and lake for taking walks and near shops and a pharmacy so that she can take care of short errands on her own as well as going to the doctors because they are all easy to get to.
We had to find her some new doctors that were close to where she is living now. The senior residence is on the other side of the city from where she was living in order for her to be near her sister and me. Before her doctors were all over the place, sometimes taking all day to go to. Having her close has been helpful for overseeing her care. If I get a call from her or someone who works there I can be over there in 5-10 minutes. I am now just more aware of what is going on with my mother. She has always been very organized, but due to aging she had let some things go that I did not know about because she did not choose to mention them. We have spent time getting her paperwork caught up as I now have power of attorney for several things. It helps me to know what I need to take care of for myself, so I am learning a lot too.
It seems to be the cycle of life, that after having my mother take care of me, now it is my turn to help take care of her. I did not take care of my father who has been gone for many years. It was my older sister who did that. My stepfather has been gone for a long time too so my mom has been on her own for many years. It is not always easy. Since her brain has changed we can have misunderstandings. She is frustrated and upset that she cannot do the things she used to be able to do. She sometimes feels that I am acting like I am her mom, so I have had to learn to make sure she does not think I am making the decisions for her. I have to learn patience and to say the right things. My husband is often the one who has to help her do things so that it is more neutral. This new stage of our relationship is a work in progress.
My mother studied Graphic design at art school in Germany before turning her studies in a totally different direction here in the States. So, she designed the logo for my website, even though her hand was shaky. I am glad that she is able to still draw and I think she occasionally attends the art class at her building. I am glad that they have a variety of things to do. The senior residence allows her as much independence as she can manage. Since her younger sister is legally blind they can get together more often now because my aunt does not need anyone to drive her to visit with my mom. She can walk there on her own, and vice versa. So that is nice. My aunt is planning on moving into the same senior residence with her husband at some point in the future.
This year has been like a deep history lesson for me. In moving my mom we went through so many of her things, which she kept in labeled bins, with lists of the contents. She also had notebooks that also listed the contents of papers. So organized! She even had my first report card. It was fun to read it and remember that school. We are now figuring out where the things she does not want can go. Much has already been donated or given to friends. She is a book collector so the ones we are not keeping go on to many other collections. We also had to leave behind her rooms of built-in bookcases, which the new owner of her long-time home can enjoy. We got her bookcases for her new place. That is part of what makes her feel settled, and makes her new apartment look like her place. Everything that she is not keeping is gifted or sold. All that she has collected is treasured so it is difficult to give some of it away. So, she has kept a lot more than I thought she could fit into her smaller space.
I am now in the sandwich generation, although I no longer feel like I don’t have time to breathe. Now that we have sold her condo and gotten her settled into her new place I do have time for myself. My mother and daughter are both independent in their own ways, and I get a lot out of their company when I have it. I can see so much of my mother in my daughter although she is also her own person. They are both bright and talented artists with many other talents and interests as well. Having my mother in the senior residence means that she will probably live longer than if she had stayed on her own because the care she has is better and she is safer. I am glad that she is close and will be around for a while longer.
I am also learning that my mom is very vulnerable to people who are trying to trick her. She has been robbed at the Currency Exchange when she tried to put more money on her bus pass. In fact, the person was taking the money out of the machine standing right next to her and she did not notice it. The police were not very helpful in this case, and neither was the alder’s office. She also had someone contact her by phone pretending to be Amazon and allow her access to her computer virtually for about 90 minutes to fix an overcharge they claimed. This was before her stroke. Fortunately at this point she could not even give someone the information to do that. Her alder’s office was very helpful then. Knowing that your parents can be duped by all kinds of people and that someday that can be you, has made me very aware of the lack of protections for seniors. My aunt told me my mom has fraud protection insurance, but she noticed it by accident, and what good does this do her when she does not remember that she has it. I am now seeing how hard life can be for seniors and understand why the AARP exists to try to help seniors by giving them lobbying power. Still, if so many are not able to think clearly anymore, they are still vulnerable, like my mom is at almost 88, after having had a stroke, and they need people who are younger to help protect them since they are not always able to protect themselves. By protecting them, we are protecting ourselves, because unless something awful happens, this will be us.
